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The ongoing war between the squirrels in my neighborhood and my dog, Nysa, has reached a fever pitch. It's now gotten to the point where the squirrels have covered our backyard with hundreds of nuts as a result of them being launched at the hapless pooch. I'm really starting to wonder if that's why the squirrels are looking so thin lately. I guess that would be like me scoring a bag full of Portillo's Italian beef sandwiches only to chuck them at Marian Muhammad. Devastating tsunamis in Asia. The Gulf Coast hammered by hurricanes. Flooding on the East coast. Avian flu. Melting ice caps. Polio in the Amish community. Paris Hilton’s success. With all these foreboding factors in a global equation, it isn't hard to see that the most endangered species on Earth is Earth and now she's holding the gun to her own pretty head. See, with as much raping of the world's resources and spilled blood left from war, she's hurt, frustrated and pissed all to hell. If I could read her mind, I'm sure she'd be thinking, "If you're all going to kill me, I'm taking you all with me." How's that for a little sunshine, kids? Speaking of butter, beans and what-not, when are we gonna see the showdown everyone wants to see between The Food Network's premier chow slingers, Emeril Lagasse and Bobby Flay? How long will these two pugilists of the platter continue to dance around each other before finally meeting in Kitchen Stadium, setting up the ultimate clash of the hash? What appetizer will be the equalizer? Which chef's got the better left? It's gotta happen, baby! And while I've got the Bad Boy of the Barbeque on the brain, I'd just like to say that Iron Chef America needs a better judging system. In Flay's recent ICA title defense against Adam Perry Lang, with a secret ingredient of chicken, Flay made Perry Lang look like a rank amateur. While Flay danced like Ali around the kitchen, Perry Lang and his sous chef had little effective galley generalship. When it was all said and done, Flay had beaten Perry Lang by a mere point. Too much the discriminating palate by one of the judges’ panel told the tale. Iron Chef America needs a ten-point must system. As long as they've never scored a Jesse Brinkley-Anthony Bonsante rematch... The Chicago White Sox made the World Series for the first time in 46 years and are now battling the Houston Astros in a clash that's tense and exciting for both cities. Although I'm not a baseball fan and never willing to jump on a bandwagon out of fashion, thus diluting the genuine fandom, I couldn't be happier for the South Siders. Win or lose, you guys deserve every bit of success you've gained (that goes for the 'Stros as well!) and I'll be cheering you on. However, if there's anything truly bittersweet about the Sox's entry into the Series, it's that they've come this far and Comiskey Park isn't Comiskey Park any longer. It's kind of a Chicago love story gone wrong. As for those bitter Cubs fans (not all of them are, mind you) that would chain themselves to an anchor and leap into Lake Michigan then cheer on The White Sox to victory? Quit whining and unite for Chicago's sake. Speaking of Danny Bonaduce, ‘star’ of basic cable trainwreck Breaking Bonaduce, I haven't quite figured out what to make of this whole ‘opening up for the camera’ thing he's doing. I mean, unless you're some sort of attention whore, would you air out your dirty laundry on national television, shaming your family (even if your spouse is an executive producer) with your alcoholism, blatant steroid use, perennially short fuse and all-out selfish behavior? Maybe Bonaduce's just one big, childish pain-in-the-ass. And that's a different kind of 'roid altogether. I'm a CSI nerd. I admit it. Even more so after the recent episode that focused on George Eads' character, Nick Stokes. Stokes, who had been kidnapped and buried alive in last season's finale, has been suffering from various brief disturbances and epiphanies but found strength in his own terror while trying to track down the lone survivor of a brutally murdered family. Stokes debated with Sara Sidle (portrayed by Jorja Fox) that the girl would be found simply because he was. Long story short, Stokes found the girl (barely alive with a slit throat) thanks to a Hansel and Gretel-style trail of bubble gum she left behind in areas specific to her captors' whereabouts. The emotional clincher? When Stokes visited the girl in the last minutes of the episode and she presented him with a card, done up in crayon, with the message, "Thank you for finding me." Stokes teared up as he replied, "You're welcome." So did I. And to think George Eads was a hair's breadth from being fired by CBS prior to the beginning of the previous season. Speaking of Thursday prime-time fare, if you've never seen an episode of NBC warhorse ER, now would be a perfect time to jump on. Two words sum up why: John Leguizamo. For those familiar with his one-man shows, Freak and Sexaholix, as well as his passionate roles in films like Undefeated and Empire, you'll know Leguizamo's capable of amazing role-playing seasoned with intelligent, rapid-fire repartee. His new character, Dr. Victor Clemente, is all that and more while portraying a strong-willed Latino figure of authority, something terribly rare on network television. If you didn't see last week's episode, check out (or DVR) this week's. You'll dig it, man. Is there a more consistently witty opinion columnist alive than Chicago's own Richard Roeper? Not only is this cat quick with the comeback, he knows his stuff without making you feel like a dope and does amazing impressions (his John Travolta is hilarious!). This may be a meaningless Howling for those of you who live outside the Chicagoland area, but if you have access to the Sun-Times daily fish wrap or you've seen his non-movie critic critiques on Ebert & Roeper, then you can appreciate his intelligent brand of honesty. In short, as far as opinion columnists go (being that I'm new at the opinion column game), this writer's not even a skid in Roeper's Fruit Of The Looms. How's that for imagery? Romance is one thing (I like romance! Don't get me wrong!). Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are another. Word has it that the soon-to-be Mr. and Mrs. Wackjob will be moving into a new nuthouse, er, I mean, home in Toledo, Ohio in order to be closer to Holmes' family, further rubbing their noses in the budding tragedy that is ‘TomKat’. Hell, ‘Ram-Rod’ in Super Troopers was a more genuine couple than this poor excuse for domestic bliss. Come to think of it, Goldstein and Rosenberg, the two Jewish stoners who salivated over Katie's bare rack in Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle made a more genuine couple. Big, BIG ups Part 2: Electric Boogaloo goes to fashion-meister Carson Kressley of The Fab Five of the Bravo network’s Queer Eye for The Straight Guy. Recently, the flamboyant, yet comical Kressley was sharing supper at a West Hollywood eatery, The Abbey, with a friend and spied a homeless man inside. Instead of passing off the man as a faceless figurehead of society or calling one of the staff to give the unfortunate man the boot, the kind-hearted Carson invited him in for supper, subsequently treating him to a lavish dessert and giving the fellow $100. Carson, I’ve always thought you and your crew were class unmatched in front of a camera but you’re just as kick-ass away from it. Carson Kressley, you’re also in my Howl of Fame as well. This is cache, read story here
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